2004-02-13

I finally got my redheaded stepchild of a website updated. Why is it I only do anything on it when it involves American Idol? Anyway, to read my extremely biased reactions to American Idol, here you go. I'm warning you- it's not pretty. I am so not impartial. I love and hate them all passionately... some more passionately than others- like a certain red-headed crooner and certain meaty jock that are currently fighting for my love... in my head, that is.

I have officially developed writer's block on dirtytrashysecretnovel#2. But I am now more open about the first one. For example- I told my grandpop it existed. He (being so very Catholic) immediately asked if I had descriptive sex in there. I told him they add all that later. Cause I sure as heck wasn't writing naughty sex scenes, right? Right?

Besides that, I've finally printed up a version of Novel #1 that I'm happy with. I've printed it up four times before only to decide this or that needed to be changed. So I'd give that copy to Krazy K or send one to La Nikki or the Evil Stepmother. Finally I have one sent to Red Dress Ink- the only one that will accept more than a summary. Cross your toes and fingers, friends. I need my dirty baby published.

By the way, Krazy K is not a good person to ask opinions of. To her, everything I do is sooo super great. I seriously can't get any useful criticism out of her on the novel or anything. I know I shouldn't complain that a friend ignores or doesn't see my flaws. But Krazy K compliments me every four seconds. It really bugs me. Because I like my friends to be honest. If she is being honest, that bothers me more. Because I feel it comes from an unhealthy place. She tends to latch on and be needy. Once, I couldn't come up to LA when I said I would. Late that night, she called me talking of suicide and crying. I ended up driving up there at 2 am, frantically calling her on a borrowed cell phone, ready to go 911 if she sounded more serious. This has happened twice since. And I've since been able to cheer her up by phone.

I think Krazy K expects too much from her friends- like validation for her existence. That and she comes on to me. She always turns every coversation to sex or boobs and then it gets to my boobs or my (non-existent) sex life. She tells me things about herself I don't really want to know. And wants to know things I don't want to share.

Example? I gave her some chapters of the novel. She said I just had to give her the rest because it was getting her "so wet." I shuddered (knee-jerk rection) and she seemed to wonder why. I told her that this is something akin to my brother telling me he's got wood. She still didn't get it. I mean, she says stuff about how she always wonders what it would be like to kiss her friends. This would not bother me- except she says it every single time she gets drunk- which is pretty much every time we hang. I just wish she'd finally drop it and realize that we will never be anything more than strictly platonic. If I was someone who had her urges, I still don't think I'd comply. Because you don't screw around with your friends. It screws things up.

The worst part of it is, I think I know why she won't drop it. She's formed some kind of attachment to me borne from a less than affectionate family. She always tells me I'm so much like her sister or her mother. She's using me to replace her family- repair years of damage. I can't take responsibility for that. If Krazy K has some sort of attachment to me, I don't know that it's a healthy one. And that scares me. Because I'm planning on moving up to LA by summer and I keep imagining a life where she's there every time I turn around. She takes it so personal every time I don't feel like staying one more hour, one more night. I mean, sleeping on her couch is big fun. But I prefer my room and my computer and my privacy. It's hard to be around her when she wants to hear every tiny detail about my day and constantly asking me what I'm thinking. I feel like she's going to go Single White Female on me. I don't know.

Let's not think about Krazy K. She's too confusing. I didn't even mean to go on about it. It just poured out because she just called me earlier. She got all hurt that I have to work Sunday night and can't come sleep over before class. The following day is her birthday and I told her I'd come to her place after class and take her for a birthday dinner. But she's all upset I can't come for the bar-hop preceding it. She has a couple million other people going. She has other friends. Why can't one of them be the one she calls when she's feeling suicidal? Why can't she bug them to practically live at her apartment? They don't live sixty miles away.

I probably sound so selfish right now. But I have my own problems. I can't be a complete and total crutch for someone that obviously needs professional help. I know. I'm a bitch. I feel like one, at least. But I have my own issues- can't take on someone else's.