2004-03-12

At midnight, I was (shocker) blissfully sleeping. I have been up since three am and was hoping this strange development would help my sleeping schedule actually approach normal. As I have been dealing with my sleep problems since I was five and struggling to find the cold side of the pillow, this is unlikely. But I've had normal weeks. Was hoping for one of them this week. I've had the day from hell. My slightly crazy Aunt Monica came over, unnannounced at the crack of dawn (though I was up for hours before that, this annoyed me). She brought her wheelchair-bound husband (met him twice. Haven't been married very long)and spoiled all of my lovely plans for my morning (backed up on laundry, ironing and housework, try to jog, blah, blah, won't bore you with details. And, yes. I am aware that I am selfish).

I was left alone for hours with a wheelchair-bound man and no idea what to do for him except try lame conversations. Aunt Monica came back from the bank and Grandpop came home and I proceeded to get fully dressed because I had work. Grandpop came home at that time, poor guy. I swear he threw me an envious look as I shut the door on my way out to work.

I went to work, where my creepily aloof, but explosive Korean boss, Pissy, gave me the usual silent treatment. The woman refuses to socialize with the help. I swear. She's all light and fun with the customers. I attempt levity and she freezes me with this disapproving stare. She punctuated her silence by barking my name at me whenever she needed anything done. It's like this, usually- she tells me to clean something, so I do - only to be interrupted mid-task by another angry bark of "Apreeel!" as she decides to change the thing I will be doing to another thing, as if I seem to be enjoying my task and she wants to make sure that doesn't happen. God forbid I start doing something on my own, she will make me stop in the middle and do another task of her direct choosing, as if it's impudence on my part, choosing what shelf/counter/trash can to organize/clean/empty on my own. The nerve of me! She is a strange and perverse woman.

Her husband, G-Fresh, attempts to socialize. And God knows I welcome the attempt. But his English is not good enough to hold a conversation. So I make general weather observations and that holds me. Except it doesn't. I need real social interraction! And not with my middle aged bosses at Crappy Mailbox Store and not with anyone even remotely affiliated with Target. Which almost brings me to Krazy K, the single friend I've held onto out here, but only because of her lasting persistance. I almost am on why I want to sever all ties with her-- but not quite.

I come home, I make dinner, I iron and clean the things I was kept from by my crazy aunt. I lay down to watch sitcoms, then fall into a stupor around ten... I'm guessing. Then Kara calls- at midnight- even though I always tell her not to call after 11 because it annoys Grandpop, who is 83. But I don't mention this. I just tell her I was sleeping and could I call her back tomorrow. She starts guilting me, saying how she doesn't mind when I call her- I remind her that I have never expected her to wake from her sleep to speak to me. In fact, she turns off her phone when she goes to bed. She's drunk tonight, though (like most of her nights), and starts getting weepy. I pretend I don't hear it - I'm such a bitch, I know- and make my voice sound as croaky as possible and tell her I'll call her back tomorrow. She sounds pissy and hangs up.

I cannot get back to sleep because I am just so mad at her. How many times does she have to cry in my ear late at night, begging me to drive sixty miles to LA to hang with her? How many times do I have to talk her "out of suicide"? How many times does she have to come on to me when she's drunk, apologize and reassure me that she only thinks of me in a sisterly way, then do the whole thing over again the next time she gets drunk?

A part of me forces myself to be friends with Krazy K because I feel it's homophobic of me to not be friends with someone just because they declare they want to make out with me every five seconds. I get sort of cringy when she hugs me and I think that's just something I need to get over. But I don't think that's it. Back east, I had a few (meaning two) friends who were lesbians. They were fun, funny, great girls who I would hug and never feel icky with. I don't think it's homophobia. It's Krazy K that's creepy. She also compliments me way too much. It is not flattering. It makes me uncomfortable because I know she has obsessive tendencies. Also, I understand that whatver shirt I'm wearing looks damn sexy on me, but I don't need to be told five times in a half-hour.

She recently started fooling around with a girl she works with. I was hoping this would blossom into a relationship for her and direct her energies away from me. But, after tonight, and a few nights ago, I see this is not the case. Can't she just leave it?

But it's not just that. She's way damaged. Her family has disowned her for doing porn, her personal life is just a mess, she threatens suicide a little more than a sane person would and refuses to get counseling. I seem to be her only close friend and that makes me feel even worse for wanting to cut her off. I remember when we first started hanging, she said she was so afraid of losing me because all her friends leave her and she even made me promise I wouldn't do that. I did. Wondering why she seemed so desperate about it at the time, but I did.

Long story short, though it may be a little late for that, I called her back shortly after she called (and she didn't answer) and left a message informing her that I'd been up since three am and had the day from hell (as described above) and didn't appreciate being made to feel guilty for wanting to go back to sleep. I also reminded her that Grandpop is eighty three and doesn't like calls coming too late. I tols her that I refused to apologize for needing sleep and that I have never expected her to forego it for me and if she was going to act this way, then we didn't have anything to talk about.

I am secretly hoping she doesn't call back and apologize. I am also hoping she doesn't take a hammer to my X-Files season 8 DVDs that I lent her. I have a show this weekend. Usually, when I have a show, I crash at her place and we have a movie marathon and eat Chinese and I go to class form her house (which is near my class). Not this weekend. I'll spend the extra gas money and go back home and drive back up. Because I just can't handle her.

Conclusion? I have not met a single sane person in this state. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. See, I've been depressed since coming out here about two years now. I have moments of happiness followed by long periods of wallowing in which I eat, watch TV, read, and eat, and eat, and basically escape my troubles. I think I might be marginally happy if I had a social life or lived with family members who were a little nicer. But no. I am so God damned lonely and the seemingly deepest friendship I have with a live person I can actually see is that nutbag!

I don't think I can live with her. I can't handle it. She said some things that put worries of a Kara lesbian atachment to me at rest recently... then she just undoes all that by saying more of her shit whenever she's drunk. Which is often. I swear to God, I want to find just one sober, straight, non-flaky, non-usery girlfriend who has never been disowned or done pornography. Because they have issues and they won't get counseling and I can't handle other people's problems. Fuck!

There unloaded. That felt better. Thoughts? Feelings? Am I a bitch?