2004-08-25

Insane. Completely insane. Click it, folks. It's the website of the good people of Landover Baptist Church in Iowa.

Did you click it? Did you read it? If you didn't, here are some quotes:

The Harry Potter book series is filled with fantastic images of hell, Catholicism, sissyism, and liberalism.

I kind of love how they consider Catholicism synonymous with Satanism. You guys, I'm a total Satinist. Don't you love how I can say that now? Thanks, Creepy Baptists. And I love how they think sissyism is a word. That's just so cute.

...children are lining up to see it like lemmings, eager to be boot-kicked off the Heavenly cliff by Jesus himself, into the lake of fire!

See, as Jesus is all into turning the other cheek, I don't think he's a big boot-kicker. I don't even think boot-kicking is something people say. These folks are so unhip. But, then again, they have a banner that says accept Jesus and win a playstation. I guess they try. God, this is a total cult.

We have it on good Godly authority that the 6th book in the series will reveal that the main character, "Harry Potter" actually KILLED HIS PARENTS! with a butcher knife! If this isn't enough to raise the hair on your neck, then you need revival!

I can't believe it. Godly authority. God himself said so, right? These people are card-carrying nutbags. Then again, look at all the celebrities they claim belonged to their organization... um, church.

...challenge both saved and unsaved children to create demonically inspired worlds in their innocent little heads.

Imagination- a sure sign that The Evil One has his dirty, Catholic, sissyish hands around your children's throats.

After the burning, if any of these 'so-called' children's books are found anywhere on church grounds or in the home of any church member, proper steps will be taken to ensure your child is fully deprogrammed from the illicit material (which may or may not include a trip to a Russian orphanage at your expense) and you will be fined $250.00 per book.

Wh-what? Is that legal?

Demon Hunter, Mitch Walker, to begin instructing church members on how to stalk, hunt, capture, detain and deprogram Wiccans.

Okay, now that can't be legal.

They encourage youngsters to run away from their problems and escape the world by creating destructive and dangerous fantasies.

I'm feeling kind of left out. All this stuff about the stupid, innocent children. What about ME? They encourage shiftless twenty-somethings, too!

...thousands of Harry Potter Black Masses being held across America! National Bookstores to release the Devil's latest manuscript at midnight! Pray for our children! With each new release, a seal to Satan's Lair is opened. This is the fifth seal! Be vigilant! The time is at hand!

You know, I just don't have time for the time to be at hand right now. I have all these Harry Potter sites to visit, and a year-long camping trip-in line for the next book-to plan, and, of course, oodles of black masses. Swamped, I tell you.

...renounce the Catholic Church, renounce this Devil Run World, and continue on with your everyday life, knowing that you are eternally secure.

Hey! We were here first!

This is the funniest site in the world, what with all the wiccan deprogramming and black masses and Harry butcher knife theories. Swear to God, I'm rolling. God's probably laughing, too. If he's not crying over how badly people screw up his messages and shit.

SHIT! EEEEWW! I feel so dirty. I just clicked staff- because I wanted to see if the people writing the site are doing so from prison or an underground lair and...

CLICK THIS!!!!

Staff members gather to celebrate christian love in the "lighting of the cross" ceremony. Comfortable, heat resistant robes are worn for protection from the heat, and nothing more.

Yeah fucking right! White sheets don't do much against fire. God, I feel sick. I feel really creeped. What do you do when you've been making fun of something and then you find out it's a creepy white-power hate website?

Maybe do what Lenny Bruce would do. Keep laughing at it. Maybe it takes the power away. Cannot wipe the grimace off my face.