2005-03-29

Now, I don't know if this is common, but I have this problem where emotions are greatly exaggerated when drunk. Okay, it's probably common. If I have one or two or three drinks, I get looser socially, where I can talk to strangers and not be scared of it. But, when there's something actually going on with me, like when my grandmom or my friend, Megan, died, I tend to get extremely maudlin and have uncontrollable crying jags.

The reason I'm concerned with this is because I'm thinking of going out. For two months before this happened, I'd been stuck in the house all the time, writing dirtynovel#2. I haven't been properly out in months. And I'm worried that, if I do, I'll start this inappropriate crying jag and look like some kind of crazy.

Once, at the smoky karaoke bar, this lady got drunk and cried all over me out of nowhere. I was wierded even though I could understand she was in a state over something very real. But I tended to avoid her every time I saw her thereafter. So that's where I am. I'm scared I'll start crying and look like a nut. Or, worse, I'll do some impetuous thing with a random guy to prove how okay I am (been there, regretted it).

I was thinking of avoiding going out this weekend and, instead, trying a home test. I should just have a few shots and try to see how the novel comes out when written while drunk and watch movies. I could just get slowly pissed and see what happens. I might even get lucky with me. Who knows where the night will go.

I don't know. I'm just not sure I'm ready to go out yet. And I can't do karaoke without a drink or two. I have no problem getting onstage and doing my thing. It's the social aspect that tenses me. In case you haven't noticed from all my whiny "I don't have a boyfriend and my only west coast friend is Krazy k" entries, I don't always feel very confident about myself when out.

So I'm at an impasse. I need to go out. I'm pretty lonely. I need to drink to go out and I don't want to do so and regret anything later. So I'll just stay home again. There's still dirtynovel#3. That might be company enough for me.

Finding Neverland was gorgeous. Watch it.

I'm still trying to get up the enthusiasm to watch The Notebook. I can't help thinking it'll be lame.

I want to be either Vonzell Solomon or Carrie Underwood, whoever's metabolism will allow me to have more chocolate. That's the most important thing.