2003-06-20

I'm back from PA. Um... yay? Damn, it's lonely in OC. There's no constant stream of people to talk to. Didn't see as much of the aunts as I wanted to. Spent way to much time at The Ancestral Home with the dad and the evil stepmum and the nephews and niece and brother and sister-in-law, with occasional appearances by my drama queen sister and some locals dropping by as well.

It was not the most exciting vacay. I spent too much of it laying around and forcing people to watch X-files (see, I'm trying to make everyone a phile like me). I just thought I had so much time. Last time, I had a week and I was always on the move. This time, I had twice the time. So I got lazy with it. I only wrote a half chapter's worth of MyTrashyDirtySecretNovel. I only hung with D-San once. I hung with Evil-T and Lisa twice. Hometown actually topped the charts with 3 times.

It's chaotic at that house with four, sometimes five, and other times eight kids underfoot. There's a part of me that likes that sort of chaos. Why is it that life always seems clearer to me when there's noise all around me? Sometimes I feel a little lonely at this house, where quiet seems to be the general rule. Grandpop doesn't like it when I sing or walk around the house when I'm talking on the phone or when I talk about movies and TV. That, of course, leaves me very silent. Maybe, having had thirteen freakin' kids, he craves the quiet now. Who knows? He's a complicated man, that Grandpop.

I was very tempted to move back. Dad was encouraging it, Hometown was encouraging it, and Grandpop sometimes fake-encourages it (though whenever I speak seriously about it, turns around and acts like he doesn't want me to go). I was thinking, why not? I could go back with Dad next trip and grab my stuff and just settle down and get a normal job, maybe meet a man and have kids and just live. Maybe I could do community theatre in my spare time and sing at church.

I was just so tempted. It would be so easy. But I think that was just me wanting to chicken out. I don't think I've given it a shot, not really. There were so many auditions I didn't go on after the rejections. I just got scared. I keep telling myself I have talent and then I worry that I'm lying to myself. I'm scared some director or producer or agent will tell me I don't have it and I should try something else.

Anyway, I haven't given it a proper go (as EvilStepmum says). So what if someone tells me to give up. I should believe in myself enough to say, "Well, screw them" and just keep plodding on. So, I'm taking the ultimate risk this summer. I'm not getting a job. I'm going to work in this industry. I'll live on extra work and promotional work and (hopefully) voice-over work and prove everybody wrong. I think the fear of starvation alone should motivate me. It will mean constant driving and less creature comforts, but I'm going to live on the edge.

Of course, I did just audition for Second City's conservatory level classes. If I get in, I just may have to throw my noble, starving artist vision out the window and (gasp) go back to The Scary Denny's. I really hope it doesn't come to that. I'm even afraid to pick up my paycheck. I'm afraid they'll talk me into coming back and I'll be miserable there some more. That would suck royally. Anyway, wish me luck. I'm a little scared about flying by the seat of my pants.