2003-08-28

I'm a size 12. Size 12 is not obese.

I am healthy...ish. I mean, I smoke and I drink more Diet Coke than I should, but I eat my veggies and I have roses in my cheeks.

I am not ugly. I mean, I have some self-image issues, but I don't believe I'm hideous. My headshot is kind of cute, right?

See, the thing is- I've been beating myself up over not sticking to a diet when I don't even need it that badly. I never had these problems before I moved to California. Hollywood has warped me.

Maybe I should tell the reason behind all this. I just got kicked off "American Dreams" for being over a size ten. I am one size over a ten. They said my "size was a problem." I guess if people watch TV, they don't want to be reminded of the horrors of reality by seeing the fatties. ARGH! It just pisses me off! I send my pic and resume in for auditions and I don't get them. My pic shows a warm, approachable, smiling girl. My resume shows good theatre credits. But I can't get an audition. Why not? I am talented! Talent doesn't lie in a dress size or even face structure! You can't look at my headshot and read my weight and height and decide whether I have talent, Hollywood! Give me a God damn audition before you reject me!

All my life, my family has said I'd be "so pretty if I just lost some weight." So I did- I went down to an eight and I wasn't any happier. All I did as I went down was think, "Okay, but it's not enough." Because my hips weren't good enough. My belly wasn't toned enough. It never is enough!

I was following the diet faithfully. I was eating this much fiber and that many calories and only this much fat. All I did was think about food! I just can't do it again. It's like exam week for the body. I can't have that every week for the rest of my life!

It's not like I eat enormous amounts of food when I'm not on a diet! And I seem to always go back to a twelve. Maybe I'm a twelve. Maybe some people are just twelves and they don't have to be fours!

I just want to like myself and the dieting only made me like myself less and less as every pound came off. I'll exercise, I'll even eat more raw veggies, but I am not going to beat myself over the head for swallowing an ounce of chocolate anymore! I'm going to love myself, dammit!