2003-09-18

So, there's this guy I know. Let's call him Andy (which is his name, anyway. There is no need to protect those who are not innocent). Now, I've known Andy since Philly. I was supposed to be in his doomed sketch comedy show. He ended up moving out here. Not so long after, I ended up moving out here. Andy was a nice and funny kind of guy. We kept some contact via email and IM. We even met up a couple times. I helped him out with auditions, sent him some crap I wrote, we bitched about the biz and how hard it is and all.

Our friendship was based on the fact that we were trying to do the same thing out here. We never had any deep convos, we never flirted (cause EW! Andy looks like a male version of Preteen April's best West Coast Friend, Julie Ralph. April would never flirt with the male Julie. It's incestuous!). As far as I knew, Andy had a girlfriend and seemed like a nice, geeky, traditional guy. There was not even a whisper of romantic attachment or even deeper friendship and especially not attraction. Our acquaintance was based on nothing at all. Andy IMed me to ask me for stuff, mostly. He'd briefly ask what was up, pretend he cared to hear, then ask if I want to come up and do extra work for him or do I have friends with good locations for him to shoot in? I don't have many friends or resources out here yet, so I don't have much to give. As soon as he'd realize I was useless, he'd end our convo and that was that. I had no problem with this. If I was constantly trying and failing to produce bad movies, I'd probably bug people for stuff, too. But, despite the fact that I can understand Andy being that way, I found myself groaning whenever he IMed me. Like he was only going to ask for reources I didn't have to give. He IMed me today and I groaned, but, polite little thing that I am, answered:

Andy: hey

April: hi

Andy: whats new

April: working promotions at the dodgers games

Andy: nice

Andy: thats where you are?

April: i'm working there presently- not this second

Andy: very cool. are you in LA? or still in OC?

April: oc- how are things with you?

Andy: great

Andy: you saw the new trailer on my website right?

April: i don't think i did- i saw pics, but no trailer

Andy: you should check it out its groovy :)

Andy: www.crappyandfilmedonvideo.com (Okay. Maybe that's not what he said. But that's what I got out of the trailer. By the way, I am editing this from the... FUTURE!!!! I used to have the actual site he typed in up, then I saw that someone was getting here searching for that movie. I am not heartless. It could be construed as mean to actually be pointing a path to Male Julie The Perv's actual identity. So, it's gone. I was just so pissed and offended then that I didn't care. Oh, yeah. On to the reason Andy is Male Julie The Perv...)

Andy: we should get together and masturbate sometime (HUH? What the? Huh? Oh, wait. Andy's a comic, too. That crazy kidder. Okay. Whew!)

April: boy, if i had a nickel for every time i'd heard that one

Andy: haha

Andy: how much would you have

April: i guess i'd have a nickel, actually

Andy: so i'm the first? nice (Tee-hee. What a nice little joke we had there. Anyway, moving on.)

April: the site won't let me download the trailer- i click and nothing happens

Andy: it should download it , weird

Andy: so how about the masturbating? (Okay, what? Why's he bringing that up again? I thought... wait a minute! Okay, very funny, Andy.)

April: haha

Andy: ;)

Andy: that'd be hot

April: it's downloading now

Andy: nice

Andy: so what about the masturbation then? :)

April: okay- is that question based on a dare or something?

Andy: yeah a dare for you

Andy: would you do it? (Is he flipping kidding me? There is no way he's serious! He is NOT serious! Okay, don't panic- keep it light- make a joke, girl. Shake it off.)

April: probably not, buddy- i don't even shake hands with people i haven't known for more than 5 years (I probably could have thought up a better joke, but I was starting to panic.)

Andy: i wanna meet up with you, get butt naked and pleasure ourselves in front of eachother (Okay, he's serious. EEEEEW! I'm imagining Andy naked. EEEEEEW! Okay, calm down and stop saying "ew" and bouncing up and down. The jokes didn't work. He's not dropping it. Take a different tack. Do the reasonable thing, here.)

April: jeez, andy- i really didn't think any of the times we've talked or hung out have been conducive to mutual masturbation. just wondering why you would ask that? that sort of came out of nowhere (There. Reasonable response.)

Andy: i'm dead serious (Say no, but say no nicely. Always say no nicely. This is LA. People are always going to want you to do sexual things with people you hardly know or that look like a female version of Julie, The West Coast Best Friend. No reason to make them feel like freaks, right?)

April: Well, luckily for you, you're in the city and shall be easily able to find more adventurous girls than me (In other words, go bug one of them. I don't want to be rude to someone I've known for a couple years and considered a quasi-friend, here, but EWWWWW!)

Andy: ha didnt mean to freak you

April: it's okay- it's not the craziest thing i've heard since moving out here (Too true. Creepy old men come on to you at the Chevron. Your Krazy, insecure, model friends constantly say they want to hook up with you. Speaking of Krazy K, she kind of left me at a party to have some fun with the number 3 via some guy and girl she knows. I discourage her from giving me details. Don't worry, I got a ride back from her roomate. Oh yeah- we were talking about Andy. Anyway, Good. Done. Subject dropped. Friendship unharmed. Whew!)

Andy: why wouldnt you try it?

Andy: seriously, what are you worried about (Drop it! I hate this! People assume that, when you don't want to get freaky with them, it's because there's some sort of problem with you!)

April: because i don't randomly masturbate with people I know... it's a rule i just made up. i'm a traditional girl. if those things happen, it would be in the context of a relationship (I'm just traditional. What's wrong with that? I'm a good girl, I am. What about me makes him think he can ask me that?)

Andy: oh come on

Andy: you gotta live once and while

April: i have lived. don't really need to do any of it all over to know what I want now

Andy: okay sory

Andy: you're cute (Oh, shut up.)

April: besides, the mutual masturbation idea isn't one that actually turns me on- meat and potatoes, over here. Whatever floats your boat and all. It just doesn't really float mine. (how sad does the whole thing sound? It just sounds sad and sort of pathetic to me. Like cyber sex is sad and pathetic. Sad boys sitting alone dreaming of some girl masturbating with them. Sad boys cybering in some chat room. I can't explain it. It just seems sad. Also, Andy and I have never talked about anything other than this business and movies and TV. Where does this idea come from?)

Andy: i'd enjoy doing that, thought you might just wnt to have some fun (Okay. It's dropped now. Thank god.)

Andy: you want sex? (What????? If I don't want to masturbate with you, why do you assume I want you inside me? Jesus, please us, guy! DROP IT!)

April: is this someone pretending to be andy? (because this is just too wierd)

Andy: no!

April: kinda known you for a year or two- doesn't sound like the same person

Andy: it is

Andy: i swear

Andy: i would love to hookup

Andy: i really mean it April

April: you have seriously got to work on your technique then, Andy

Andy: why?

Andy: i'm being sincere (Huh? Are you kidding? Are there any girls out there that would swoon over what i just endured? You don't just ask a girl to have sex with you that way! I'm not a tart! I don't appreciate being treated like one!)

April: see, i'm a kind of traditional girl- "let's get together and masturbate" or "let's screw" aren't things i respond to. and i don't think i'm the minority on that. i'm not saying i'm the virgin mary, andy- but i'm not a tart either and don't like being treated like one

Andy: quit acting so self conscience (self-conscious, you jackass!!!) or shy

Andy: why cant we just meet up and have fun? (I get it. I'm obviously repressed, right? If I don't want to meet up and have sex or masturbate with you, I'm a prude or something.)

April: you have to know more girls then me, andy. (BUG ONE OF THEM!)

April: i'm not being shy. i'm trying to say no in a nice way. the fact that you aren't dropping it makes me feel a little disrespected.

Andy: feel disrespected?

Andy: yikes sorry

April: there might be a billion girls in LA who are into casual sex- your options are endless- i'm just not one of them

Andy: okay sorry to bother you

So, am I a minority here? Are there a billion girls that would swoon over that? And what the hell makes him think asking a girl something like that would work? Whatever happened to romance? Whatever happened to actually connecting with someone before touching your naughty bits together? Is this so much to ask? Jesus, maybe I am a prig. Leave me a note, friends. I want some other opinions on this.