2003-09-18

Watching Elimidate. Thoughts?

Skankfest 2003

I hate this Marco guy. He's an ass and all he wants to do is get his rocks off. See, I thought the point of these dating shows was for someone to find someone to begin a relationship with. Not so. The point is to find someone who will sleep with you that very night. And, for Marco, the outlook is grrrrreat! Already, Miranda (a skank in an artfully ripped shirt) has done a body shot off his chest (Shaved. Ugh! Being someone who likes my men a little on the manly side- except for when they're geeks- cause I love them, too- I am underwhelmed by shaved chests. Not saying I want a sasquatch- just a nice dusting). Miranda has also tongued him to death. She does that kissing where it's more like tongueing (how do you spell that?) the outside of the mouth. The tongue goes all around but never actually in. In a not unrelated sidenote, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Traya, the one who is using her bisexuality to impress Marco and looks like my Uncle's Ex Colleen, has fed him 5 listerine strips then gave him some more tonguing (seriously, how the hell do you spell that?).

Sophia is pissed because they beat her to skanking it up, but I'm a little on her side because they keep calling her fat. I'd call it curves, but okay. Shut up, evil skinny skanks.

Brianna, the nicest of the girls and the only one whose face is not butt ugly, has been watching the entire parade of cattiness and skankitude with silent horror.

Of course, Brianna is first to go. He says, "I'm sorry. You didn't give me a tongue bath or trash the other girls or even come on to them. You're obviously boring." Okay, he didn't say that. But he might as well have.

The next locale. Highlights?

Miranda and Traya tongue each other and Marco simultaneously. Sophia says this is trashy, then proceeds to take off Marco's shirt and rubs him all over the chest. Oooookay.

Miranda and Traya call Sophia fat. Marco spends some time with Sophia and Miranda. Traya (who has an ugly, mannish face. Did I mention that? Cause she really does.) gets very upset that she isn't getting enough attention. She figures she deserves more points for coming on to all the other girls. She eliminates herself and walks off screaming, "F*** you all- and especially you, fattie!" I assume Fattie is Sophia.

The remaining three rush off to a dance club. Marco goes on and on about how Sophia seems more focused on him as a person whereas (though he didn't use that word because he's too dumb for double syllables) Miranda just seems like she's trying to win. They show some skanky dance footage.

Ah, the end! Marco says the girl he picked was the one who was herself all night. I was figuring he meant Sophia (aka fattie) because she actually talked to him and looked him in the eye. Nope! He meant Miranda. He says Sophia hides her true nature and that Miranda was completely honest about who she was all night. Can I translate that for you? "All women are supposed to act like skanks. Those that don't are hiding their true natures. Also, you never gave me a tongue bath and you didn't tongue the other girls."

Sophia says, "That's okay. Have a good time" then kisses him on the cheek. I don't like her cattiness, but I admire her class right there. She exits, leaving Marco and Miranda to sink down onto the couch and lick the outside of each other's mouths in blissful skankitude.

Final thoughts- glad Brianna lost- and by lost I mean won- because she didn't have to spend another second with Marco.

I hated Traya the most because she was all, "Everyone better be beautiful, even the girls, because I'll leave. I refuse to be around ugly people." So she should have won- and by won I mean lose- because she could marry Marco and have dumb babies and fantasize about the maid.

I hate Sophia for being catty and hypocritical, then I like her because she really tried to be interested and to talk to Marco. Not an easy thing when a man is that obviously dumb. I would have left first thing- he was wearing fake glasses, too. I hate when stupid people try to look smart.

Miranda is a ho. I can't hate her for being as she is when it is her nature. And as long as she dates male hos and keeps them busy and away from the nice girls, good. But she could also be the kind of girl who'd screw with a nice boy's head and use him. Okay, yeah. I hate her. But I also hate Marco. So she and Marco can have lots and lots of VD-infested babies together and I won't care.

Yeah, I'm a bit catty today, myself. The more reality dating TV I watch, the more I am convinced that calling it the first date is almost pointless. If you're going to run the whole gamut in one night, you might as well call it the only date. We live in a world of tongue baths and groin smushing nowadays. Say good bye to romance, kids. I am convinced it is both dead and rotting in a time capsule somewhere.

But how cute is Billy Boyd? Being Billy Boyd's girlfriend could possibly give me hope for the future.