2003-12-13

I will be in LA tomorrow. I have a show with my Second City classmates and am prepared to introduce Estelle Mortimer, the mild-mannered stalker and my own personal version of Liza Minelli to screaming fans. Or twenty bored people with nothing better to do than see a student show. Whatever.

So instead of putting an actual entry in, I'm going to paste a really bad, teeny-bopper survey I filled out here instead. Did you ever want to look into my innermost heart, diaryland? Now you can with the "love is" survey. Aren't you lucky?

1. Is there someone in your office/class that you have a major crush on?

No. But I was recently working promotions at Dodgers Stadium. And I have decided that Paul Lo Duca is my boyfriend.

2. Does s/he know?

I'll fill him in later.

3. Does s/he know you exist?

Don't you interrogate me! Of course he does! He is my BOYFRIEND. I mean, I'm fairly sure he saw me... at least once.

4. Do you find it hard to get your work done while that person is nearby?

A little, *hee* only because he's so dreamy and I get all squishy inside.

5. Do you find it hard to concentrate when having a conversation with that person because you find yourself staring in their eyes imagining them naked or imagining yourself kissing them?

OH, GOD YES! He provokes stirrings inside my adolescent body I have yet to understand.... or my twenty-five-year-old body. Whatever.

6. Do you get freakishly nervous when that person calls your name or walks by you?

Hello! He's The Lo DUCA!

7. Have you tried to engage that him/her in conversations just so you could speak with them.

Isn't that the point of engaging someone in conversation? So you can talk to them?

8. Have you called him/her and just hung up the phone when they answered?

I'm working up to it. I was going to follow his wife sround first and see if I can get illicit pictures of her so he'll divorce her and make-out with me.

9. Have you purposely left something in his/her area just so you have an excuse to come by them again at a later time?

I once left a banner on the elevator. But he wasn't there when I came back for it. You'd think a professional ball player wouldn't be playing it so coy.

10. Have you spent your bedtime hours thinking about this person?

No. That privilege only belongs to David Duchovny.

11. Have you told anyone else about this crush?

Only every fan at every game.

12. Have you ever thought you might have a crush on someone of the same sex?

No. Except I want to force Diane Wiest to adopt me. Is that like a crush. Cause if it was, it would be kind of Oedipal.

13. Have you ever dropped hints to that person hoping to find out they felt the same way about you?

She keeps saying she already has kids.

14. Did they?

She's Jewish. I'm Catholic. I guess it wouldn't work out. Because it's totally not because I'm not adorable and everyone doesn't want to be my mom. Cause I am. And they do.

15. Are you now going to tell that person how you feel about them?

Is this Lo Duca or La Weist? Cause I'm pretty sure they both know. I tell every third person I see.

16. Did you find these questions too embarrassing/personal?

No. I am an open book.

17. Are you blushing as you're answering them?

No, but I'm soaked... Hey! Get you're filthy mind outta there! I spilled my Diet Coke on my lap! EW! Honestly!

18. Did you answer these questions honestly?

I'm an open book. It's policy.

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And while in LA, I will eat nothing but celery and v-8. That is the plan. My projected weight when I return on Sunday is 110 pounds (I'm crossing my fingers on getting dysentery at a bad restaurant so this can happen). Of course, everything I just said is a total lie. Me? Celery? Vegetables? Please.