2003-05-30

The evils of chocolate

I am weak. I don't do the things I solemnly vow to do, ever.

See, this is how weak I am- I just walked away to go to the bathroom, ended up detouring through the kitchen for a pop tart, decided I needed to make tea to go with it, then went outside and had a cigarette and stopped to watch the lotto numbers and I didn't even play. I never do. I turn everything into something to be put off. I hope the page hasn't expired when I decide to post this.

Anyhow, I'm giving up chocolate and working out every day except Friday and Sunday and sticking to my diet (I'll take Sundays off). I'm hoping this will take me off chocolate. But it probably won't. I tried overdosing on chocolate and I still want more. Why don't they have rehabs for this crap? Seriously, a lot of women have this problem. It's like my dad and beer- he always gives it up for lent. He can't cut down because, for him, there's no such thing as one beer- beer always brings five to eleven of his pals. I can't have just one piece of chocolate. It only whets my appetite. If I buy a giant hershey bar and say I'll have just one piece, I won't. I'll wrap it back up and walk away, but I'll walk back four more times until I feel like my stomach's bursting. And then I'll feel a little sick and say I never want it again, but by the time that's digested, I want more, more, MORE!!!! I need to learn to live without it. I'm broke and I'll buy it. This is getting dangerous. I'll start hooking myself in front of candy stores for it at this rate. I'm gaining more and more weight and I've worked so hard last summer to take so much off. So- I say enough!! No more!! (I hope).

In other news: Sunday is my last day at The Evilest of Denny's, Ever. Getting really sick of the lying. The Manager Guy was all asking if I could stay on and do weekends, but I told him it was impossible what with all that "Children's Theatre" I was doing (or vacating in Philly- whatever). Then he said I could come back and reapply after the "Orientation Period." I said maybe I would.

And I'm seriously considering it because I'll come back from Philly with no job and only my tiny reserves of money to save me. I'm scared of that. But I'm also scared of my big lie. I'm scared of coming back and having to keep pretending I'm doing some crap with kids when I'm not. I'm scared of getting a different job and having one of the regulars or employees spotting me and knowing I'm that big liar that I am. Why couldn't I just quit and say "This place depresses the crap out of me." It's true. I won't go back. I won't. I hate waitressing. I don't want to do it anymore.

But what will I do instead? Dunno. See, I have a BA in theater, but it qualifies me for squat. I hate when my dad is right about stuff. Happy, Father? Maybe I should repost that one on Father's Day and make his day. Anyway, I'm not gonna think about any of this till I'm back from PA. I'm going Scarlett on it. I'll worry then.

I have enough on my plate with the chocolate and dragging all my RETRO-DIARIES over here- which will happen someday. Seriously, I love my RDs. Preteen April is so fun to bust on. Anyway, there is absolutely nothing I care to watch on TV right now. American Idol is over. I binged on my X-Files season 7 DVDs and now I have nothing. Nothing! I want to make these entries less whiny. I'll try. Anyway, to bed with me. More likely, to some other website to read X-Files fan fiction... Did I just say that out loud?