2003-06-03

I recently joined a crapload of diary rings that represent things I love (diet coke, X-files, Twop). Then I joined "single for life" diary ring. And I saw it on my page and I was sort of shocked I saw it there. I'm joining a ring that states that I'm single and planning on staying this way. That's big.

See, I recently had an epiphany (while doing the retro-diaries) where I suddenly realized I don't even care about finding someone anymore. Then I thought about how much I could have accomplished all these years if that hadn't been distracting me. I wasted so many years (and diary entries) whining about love and "am I pretty?" and "I'm so fat" and "how can I get Trey Parker to be my prom date?" It's sad. It's unimportant.

I was always whining about never having been in an actual relationship. See, I've always been so insecure, though, that I would have been either a needy, over-sensitive mess or a cold, reserved block of ice (I run hot and cold, here). Now I feel it doesn't even matter. I see the hell my generation goes through in dating. It's more of a game now then it was years ago. So what if I meet some guy and have a relationship? It will be over and I'll waste a month or so crying over it and then I'll meet someone else and the whole cycle starts over. I don't know. I had a point when I started, I swear. Anyway, I'm just over it- that's all. I'm going to stay single for long time, I think. I might drop all my high talk when I near thirty, though.

Just a month ago, I was completely gung ho over finding a guy. I put a personal on aol. I put my picture up where my smile was nice and I was honest about how I'm a chainsmoker and disgustingly obsessed with TV and movies and made sure they knew I was chunky. I figured I'd get a few guys that liked my personality and were sick of all the perfection around here. Seriously, this is Land of the Models in OC. Everybody looks so perfect and dresses so perfect. I'm sick of it, even with the guys (but I tend to resent very good-looking guys. I always think they're critiquing me. I'm paranoid). Anyway, I figured there was a guy in the area that was sick of it too and wanted someone who wore mostly black and gray and didn't shave their legs if they didn't feel like it. A taste of reality.

Well, I got emails and messages every day from all these guys. The worst part was, they were all almost forty and I'm twenty five and I distinctly remember putting a 28 age restriction on my personal. They were all fat and bald and about my dad's age. Is it superficial for that to matter? I don't really think so. Anyway, wait till you hear what some of them emailed me.

First, there was a pilot from Philly (yay. hometown and all that, but wait for it). He emailed me: Hey, Princess (Ew! Princess? Where does he get off calling me princess? I'm trying to figure out why that upset me so greatly. Maybe because I don't see it as complimentary and it makes me think of stuck-up, high maintenance bitches. Anyway...) I'm an East Coast Pilot and I frequently fly to California. I'm looking for a fun-loving lady (again, ew! Suddenly have an image of myself in a sequined sweater with a kitten on it and big hair, nursing a daquiri) who wants a fling with a high-flying guy.

And his picture? Obvious toupee. And just- Princess. Still not sure why that bothers me so much. If anyone reading this wants to analyze that for me, leave me a note.

Another was a short, fat balding guy who seemed sincere and really lonely. I don't remember exactly what he wrote, but I kept feeling sad for him. But he was, after all, a short, fat, balding guy. Yeah, I'm shallow. Whatever. I just don't see why men think they deserve to date girls that are over ten years younger than them. There are plenty of lonely and attractive women in their forties, but men in their forties keep insisting on having some twenty-something. What's with that? I don't go around trolling the junior highs looking for love. I just think I should date someone reasonably close to my age. There will be time for middle-aged men when I'm middle-aged.

Then I got one from a married man who was looking for a mistress. He called me "cutie" and "little girl" and said he hoped I was a modern girl and "open to the possibilites." Let me point out how much is wrong with all that: He called me cute and a little girl. I always get called these things. I'm never "hot, sexy lady." My looks invite a pinch on the cheek sooner than one on the ass. I get compared to Shirley Temple whenever the "what celebrity does someone look like" conversation comes up. So, from that, I have this warped idea that older men that want to sleep with me are child-molester types. Maybe that says more about me than about them. I don't feel that way about guys closer to my age. I just feel so extremely creeped out when older guys leer at me (and, since they are the only ones that do, I am always creeped out when I'm leered at).

So him calling me those things gave me visions of him putting me in a powder blue doll dress and making me sit on his lap and call him "daddy."

That and what the hell was in my profile that made me seem like a mistress? I talked about how deeply I felt about the Simpsons and MST3K. In what way does that make me "open to the possibilities"? Also, it feels like he's implying that me not being "open to the possibilities" means that I'm a prude or a prig. I've got some serious issues, I guess, which make me a tight, stuck-up prude who isn't advanced enough in her world view to screw someone else's husband. Shut up, married child-molester!

Those stood out. The rest were along the same lines, but didn't offend me quite as grievously.

This experience, along with me being sick of Preteen April's love obsession, and how much I hated when coupled girls talked about "my boyfriend" or "my fiancee" or "my husband" all the time (like it's a big accomplishment and they have to flaunt their coupled status every second) added to my growing suspicion that I didn't really give a crap. If I look back in a few years, it won't be having had this boyfriend or that I'll be proud of. I think success is more important. Of course, I want to have kids someday. I truly believe that is the only real love that hasn't been killed by the world. I might even marry someday (not likely, but I won't rule it out). But I'm not wasting my time focusing on men right now. I have things to accomplish:

-become a driving force in the world of improv comedy ala Christopher Guest.

-stop being the family errand-girl

-write crap that might pay my bills

-stop waitressing

-be the first woman to get roasted by the friars club

That's a big to-do list. I can't waste any more time.