2003-08-09

Okay, I was just reading this Dead Diaries of Diaryland thing. Whoever it is writes eulogies for diaries that are done. The one for Astralfrog made me cry. Okay- just had to say that. Read it. I'll wait.

I have this terrible (and hopefully untrue) notion that I'm a spinster. I guess 25 is young to be a spinster, but I'd have been one two years ago if this was a century earlier. And look at the signs:

I have nephews and a niece. I'm an aunt. "Spinster Aunt" is a commom term. I'm unattached and I'm an aunt.

There's the never had an actual relationship thing. If it hasn't happened now, it won't. The worst part is I've had a few (well two) opportunities to be in a relationship if I'd only let down my standards a little. See? I'm impossible to please. Picky women end up spinsters.

There's the cats thing. See, I'm allergic, but I bet I'd have about thirteen if I wasn't. So, there.

I think maybe I can't fall in love. I've had crushes, I've liked, I've respected, I've lusted after men, but never felt anything even approaching love for a man. I can hardly talk to, let alone flirt with, most men. I seem to be able to talk easily to gay guys, though. Because I can trust a gay man. If they're talking to me- it's because they want to, with no agenda. Most guys don't talk to me. I'm not pretty enough to warrant their attention, but they do sometimes and I always have this feeling that all (straight) guys have an agenda that will end in my humiliation if they talk to me. When I was a kid, the boys would come up and talk to me all friendly for a sec, then it would turn into some joke. Like they'd ask me for a tissue then run off snickering to their buddies (the rumor was that I stuffed myself, which is hilarious considering I was completely flat until about 17). I don't know. I feel that way about every straight guy I come into contact with.

And if they don't humiliate me, I still don't trust them because if they want to be around me it's probably because they figure I'd be easy. A girl that isn't exactly gorgeous should be a sure thing, right? Beggers can't be choosers, right? I know that all this is messed up and you might think I'm not only neurotic, but a little psycho. I'm a product of my environment. I was teased and insulted through my formative years, leaving me with a warped sense of myself and of those around me. I've grown up seeing myself this way and I was never corrected and it still hasn't gone away and it might not ever go away.

I guess this is the real reason I'm a spinster. Because I can't get over it. This entry started out so much lighter. Where did it go?