2003-08-12

Okay, I was just sitting here in front of the computer, reading some Ebert reviews, having a smoke and a Diet Coke (in other words, all was right with the world). Then I went to drink my Diet Coke and drank a cigarette-tainted ashcan formerly known as Diet Coke from three days ago. I am scarred for life. I had to record this moment so I'll never do it again. You'd think this would put me off both items forever. But I had to drink more Diet Coke to get the taste out of my mouth and smoke to alleviate my poor nerves. Once again, the names are changed to protect the innocent (Like anyone's last name is Hoopeedoo--- Watch, now I'll get emailed by every angry Hoopeedoo in the world).

Anyway, I'm really boring and lazy this week. On the upside, had a great class at S.C. yesterday. But I am achieving nothing in my life. I don't send headshots and demos out like I should. I don't know if this is only laziness or some deep-seated fear of rejection so I'm prefiguring the rejection by not striving sort of thing. Who can say? I used to be such a chronic over-achiever. Seriously, I'd croak if I got anything below a ninety-five in school. I remember coming home, doing my homework and chores. And playtime was put off till these things were done. Now it's like it's always playtime. But maybe replace "playtime" with "lay around, watch TV, and obsessively play Spider Solitaire time." I'm very mad at me right now. I think I should give me a good, swift kick in the ass.

Let's go back to Preteen April again. She's more interesting, maybe. After reading over the entry I'm about to post, I realized something about preteen April. I think I've gotten to the bottom of the Kevin Crushboy thing and why she just wouldn't let go. So, put on your super-serious pink blazer and matching flowered pants (and yes I did own this woeful ensemble), throw on some Enya to help you dig deep (was she around then?), and let the words take you back to...

9-6-91

Tonight I realized how jerky Dave Hoopeedoo and Joe Blech can be if they try real hard. [Knew em. Jackasses. Hope they're in jail and presently someone's bitch. They probably are. Practically everyone in my old neighborhood was a juvenile delinquent. They robbed our house, after all.] I mean, I hated them before but now I truly despise of them. They're perverts. [Not sure what happened here, but I think they were calling me ugly or something, and also making sexual comments about my sister. As for that sister stuff- get used to it, Girl.] I'm a disease, tag-a-long, loner, dork, nerd, fatso, ugly face, and a very non-liked by boys girl. [Yes! That's it! Give em hell by reiterating everything they said to yourself times two in your diary! That'll show em!] I love Kevin. But he treats me like crap. [Huh? You never see him! When does he treat you like crap?] But I love him. I wish I could find someone new. But I can't. I can't give up the hope that he loves me at least a little bit, still. [He never did! You were thirteen! There is no love at thirteen! Love is how you feel about your cat back then!] Besides, no guys like me. If he could only understand what he's doing to me. [You're doing it to yourself!] I feel awful. I feel rejected. Everyone has someone to love who cares for them. Except for me. [You are not the only girl who was dumped after going out with some dumb boy for two weeks!] Kevin doesn't give a crap for me. And I care so much about him. I couldn't date anyone else. [No one's asking, you whiny teeny-bopper!] I'd feel bad because I love Kevin. [Seriously, you don't! Stop using that word!]

April

Whoo! I am so hoarse from yelling at Preteen April right now. Just that entry made me see so much about her that I wanted to smack out of her. I really feel like she's this whole other person. I can't even say she's me.

Anyway, I know now why she wouldn't let go of the Kevin thing. April had never had any encouragement from a boy until then. She'd only slow danced once- and she had done the asking because she just wanted to get it over with and say she had (much like other events, but we won't go into that now).

So Kevin dated her briefly- she later learned her cousin Danny had asked him to do it as a favor for him. It was nice of him to do that, anyway. Danny's a good guy. Always has been. Anyway, it was only a minor crush and would have been gotten over easily except for the reciprocation from said boy came at an unstable time in her developement. So what should have been a tiny footnote became a milestone.

Kevin Crushboy is a nice enough guy. He's married and in the military and has kids (I think). It probably never crosses his mind that he fake dated April for a week. It crosses this April's mind because Preteen April made such a thing about it at the time. She wouldn't let go because it made her feel that she was special in some strange way. She'd had a "love." She'd been dumped by a love. The pain made her important and also normal. Like any other girl. Or, more likely, like Nikki- who'd, even by then, had more boyfriends than she could count. At least having had a boyfriend, no matter how fake it really was, was something. And she found it hard to let go. There! I think I get it now. Anyway, this marks the end of the Crushboy era. Preteen April is moving on after this. Good luck to her.