2003-09-12

I have an ear infection and a very sore throat. Well, sore seems like an understatement. My thoat feels like I've been gargling broken glass. I feel too hot, too hazy and everything seems sort of dulled around the edges. I lay down, I'm wide awake. I sit up, I practically faint. I drink glass after glass of water and can't quench my thirst. I can't smoke because it makes me drier. Diet Coke seems to give me some comfort. Maybe the bubbles scratching down my throat provide some sort of magical stimulation. But I'm out of Diet Coke and I can't smoke. Also, my check hasn't come yet and I'm damn broke. If it doesn't come by tomorrow, there will be no comfort for me. I will surely die by tomorrow (or in fifty years, whatever). So I guess I have to sort things out before I am taken to the bosom of Satan (which is where I will surely be taken because I have not gone to confession for months). But, as I burn in hell, I want to make sure the worthiest people are taking care of my crap. To wit- I give you my last will and testament.

Dad, you can have the X-files DVDs. You've been eyeing them for a year now. There you go. Does that make up for the time I "found" five dollars on the floor?

Terry (also known as Evilstepmum- did I even talk about her yet? She's British and Canadian. And, though she has yet to lock me in a closet or send me to the attic to starve, she is a stepmother and, therefore, evil. It's like a rule. Stepmother=evil, even when they buy you lattes and do thoughtful crap.) Anyway, Terry can have my clothing. She's petite. So am I. She goes up and down by twenty pounds periocically, so do I. It works. Be nice to my favorite red shirt that I got for 2.50 at Salvy.

Renee (my cousin) can have all my shoes. They fit her and I know she covets my chunky, knee-high boots.

Hannah (cousin) can have my CDs. All of them. She has a taste for the eclectic and corny, as do I.

Nikki (the sister) can have my secret stash of romance novels I pretend I don't read. She's more deserving of them, as she's not closeted about her romance novel reading.

Sean (the brother) gets my Freddie Krueger action figures and simpsons action figures and the Simpsons DVDs. Also, I give him my Mystery Science Theater tapes. Love them, care for them. I spent many minutes setting timers to tape them through the years.

Aunt Cathy gets all the romantic comedies I own.

Evil T- I want you to have the remainder of my movie collection and DVD collection.

Evil T, I'm also entrusting you with the hard copies of the memoirs of Preteen April. Maybe they'll be published and she can be humiliated before the world. One can dream.

Krazy K, there are many bath products I've amassed through the years. I want you to have them. Because you don't buy enough fancy bath crap you don't need.

Mike (cousin) You get the Stephen King and CS Lewis and Tolkien and all other Fantasy or horror novels I have.

Aunt Colette, I entrust the dirtytrashysecretnovel to you. And remember it must have a pen name, because we all know how I wouldn't be caught dead writing a romance novel.

Nephews and nieces: all toy-ish items are yours. Play, my lovelies. It may happen that you, too, will be brought down by the demon ear infection.

Aunt Gigi- my classic girlie literature collection is yours.

Aunt Mimi- the following movies: Heavenly Creatures, all the French and Saunders and Ab FAb, Magnolia, Marty

Anyone I've forgotten: fight over what's left.

Cool. Actually, the ibuprofen and ice cream kicked in and I don't feel so dead. So, even though I'm not dying (...for now), I have a will. Now I don't have to worry about doing it ever again. Shame if I have kids, though. I didn't leave anything for my potential kids. Um, Unborn Children, I leave you my legacy.... of love. (They're probably P-O-ed there's no money)