2004-04-25

Sex is such a tangled up and confusing thing for a girl. I would think that, at my age, I'd have come to terms with everything. I always feel like I must be miles behind every other girl in terms of sexual maturity. I mean, I'm no dummy. And I'd like to flatter myself that I'm emotionally mature. By that I mean that I'm not prone to making a public spectacle of myself with a temper tantrum or a crying fit. I don't fly off the handle at people or hurt their feelings. I scrutinize my words before I allow them out, mostly. I am prone to fits of babbling and I don't seem to have an inner monolgue. What I mean is I'm reasonable. Hardly anyone can accuse me of being rude to them or saying hurtful things. I think hurtful things have come out of my mouth about twice in my life. And I've flaggelated myself over them since.

Off topic. I told you I have no inner monologue. As far as sex and boys.... I should probably say men, at my age. See? Immature. I just don't seem to have progressed the way other girls have. I have not had what I would call a real relationship. I'm way behind on sex and intimacy. I can't seem to go beyond having a crush on a guy.

To some extent, I've always blamed my looks. I always thought I wasn't good looking enough to approach any guy I've liked. And it was possibly moot as about three quarters of them turned out to have been gay (though not admittedly so at the time). The jury's still out as to whether the straight guys actually are as well. The point is that I can no longer use my looks as a scapegoat. I am aware that there are many girls who aren't so pretty going out with guys who are damned gorgeous. You know what they have that I don't? Confidence.

I am not confident about my body or my faec or anything else. I am sometimes confident in my mind. When a skeevy guy comes on to me (and have no doubt that they are usually the only ones who do) with a rude line, I tend to use as many multi-syllabic words as I can. I want to let him know I'm no dummy. I want to make sure he knows that I'm not going to fall for it. But, most of the time, I doubt my mind as well. I'm crazy. I sometimes seriously wonder whether having curly hair makes me seem frivolous. I have this biting, gnawing fear that people think I'm a big ditz. See, I tend to get loopy and hyperactive. I may not seem that way here, but if you spent five minutes in my compnay, you'd probably get annoyed. I won't shut up. And movies! I can't stop talking about movies. I even bug the crap out of me. Even when I know I'm being babbly and obnoxious and people think I'm nuts, I can't stop myself. It's like being on a silliness bender. The Lost Weekend for ditzes.

And it's even worse if the guy I'm speaking to is even a little bit good-looking. I become this blithering imbecile with no control over what comes out of her mouth.

I just feel like I'm behind. Most girls can flirt. Most girls can do their makeup and not worry over whether their eyes look too slutty or too prim. Most girls don't over analyze every action and thought and word. And I'm even doing it right now. I'm analyzing my constant analysis of myself. It makes my head spin.

I wonder when I'm going to becme comfortable in my own skin. I should be by now. And I'm not. And I wonder why. I know that I'm not hideous. I know I look almost pretty at times. Why does this confidence I acn feel alone or with girlfriends and gay guys and family fly right out the window when you introduce non-familial, straight boys into the mix? I shouldn't still be acting like a preteen around guys. I shouldn't be so mortally afraid of rejection. It's just rejection at my age. Not the abject humiliation of grade school and high school rejection. If I were to see a girl like me go up to a cute guy and take a chance, ask him to dance, send him a drink, pay him a compliment... I'd think it was gutsy and sweet. If he rejected her, I'd think he was the dick. It's also not like he'll dog me to his friends and it will be whispered all over the bar that I like him like him, like more than a friend. Or will it?

I doubt it. This isn't grade school. Why can't I remember that? These are supposed to be the best years of my life. Why can't I stop being such a chicken/hermit hybrid and get out there and get hurt like I should be doing. I guess that's my project.

I need to start looking people in the eye and realizing that they're no better than me and I'm worthy of human contact. My existence does not need to be validated. It's valid.