2006-05-13

Well, I was right about one thing. Libby wasn't dead... I mean, not at that exact moment. So yay. Then she, you know, copped it just before she was about to reveal Michael as her killer. Boo. But Eko's not dead, which, really, I was more concerned about.

Enough about LOST, though. I do almost have a life outside of TV... almost.

Still hitting the auditions and mailings. Still nothing coming of it. Well, except that sketch comedy show pilot. But I've done stuff like that before and it hasn't amounted to much, so I will just have fun and see what it brings... if anything.

As you can read, I'm in one of my pessimistic moods again. It was brought on by an instance of fat-discrimination. As you all know, my body and I have this love/hate relationship. I really do try to love myself as I am and I almost succeed, then the world around me turns it around.

See, I went ot this audition, which I thought of as more of a meeting, for a cabaret night in LA (sort of glorified karaoke with a piano). The guy gives me some feedback and says we'll work on getting the right song for me for a future show and sends me on my way with promises to fax me something. This is all fine.

Then the very friend who pointed me to him calls me and reveals all the mean shit he said about me to her. Like about how I didn't listen to his advice (What advice? It wasn't like he had me try a song again in a different way or gave me any advice during our time togther. All he said was that I had an old-school kind of voice and we had to find the right song for it). Then he went on about how I sounded like I hadn't been singing in a while (which I even told him). But his biggest complaint? My weight. He said my size was a problem and that I didn't dress right for it with a great deal of venom.

Of course, my friend would tell me this (after a lot of insistence by me). So why would he say it? From the way she told it, he sounded pissed. What exactly about? Do fat people just piss him off in general? Then I started analyzing every moment and wondering what exactly I did wrong because he could not be so superficial as to keep me out of his cabaret night (unpaid, by the way) just for being fat. But, from what my friend said, that was the gist of it.

My first response is always to blame myself. But I've decided not to do that.

I'm too fat to sing at an unpaid night of glorified karaoke? Screw that.

So now (in the interest of not latting my self-esteem take its habitual nose-dives), I will list some f***ing great things I've done recently --- even though I'm fat:

Got to top 44 on Idol. Considering all I had working against me (all that hideous weight) that's fantastic.

Got a rare compliment form Simon when they were cutting me at top 24 (the nailing the "Bat Out Of Hell" thing).

Inspired Paula's confidence enough that she cut a tape of me together and sent it in for the Hairspray movie, which she in no way had to do.

At that same audition, got a callback where I was up against Carly Jibson (a genuine Broadway star). If that's not good company, what is?

At the callback, Craid Zadan told me I had a great voice. He's worked with Bette Midler and Liza Minelli.

And the main thing working against me with that part? My age and my height. Things I can't help.

Just got a sketch comedy pilot.

So... instead of letting these things get to me, I'm going to remember those things. I will repeat them to myself every time someone puts forth an effort to make me feel small.

I'm just so sick of being so retiring and people-pleasing and I don't want to be humble and afraid of saying I've done anything well for fear of jinxing things. And over-analyzing just everything after the fact. I am going to stop that. I am going to be more confident. At my age, shy adolescent is not a flattering shade. I'm going to be a damned woman and start wearing my life, even my fat body.

And screw everyone who tries to make me feel like I should fade into the background!